Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Hoodookitty's LiveJournal:

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Friday, June 2nd, 2006
11:46 pm	Excerpted from an e-mail... well, not all of it... "I have finally come out the other side - just as I knew I would. Seems like forever when you're in it though. I am happier and healthier now than I have been in at least a year. I have neither time nor care for old grudges. Life is beautiful, and that's pretty much good enough for me. Now I will continue to surround myself with wonderful and amazing people. I will find myself an intellectually stimulating job and get back on a normal schedule. I have weaned myself off of many of my medications (mostly due to lack of funding.) I have gotten my house into a state that I really feel comfortable and "at home" in, and have been slowly decorating room by room. I applied for 5 laboratory positions at Vanderbilt last Thursday night (online) and 1 position at Orchid. Friday I received 1 e-mail from my favorite option at Vanderbilt saying they had reviewed my credentials and forwarded my information to Vandy HR to request an invitation for an interview. I also received 3 phone calls from other labs saying the same thing." Wednesday I had an interview at MRA (Mark's company) that went very very well. I went out last night (don't do that much) and had a great time (groping Diana for her birthday). Got home today and immediately got fucked by my live-in "ex" boyfriend (?). Who (and I know most of you know this but...) has a fucking HUGE cock. It's a good day. Current Mood: jubilant (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 15th, 2006
2:46 am	It occurs to me... ... as it has so many times before... that I never post when I'm happy. This is a very bad habit in my opinion because it gives the impression that you are constantly miserable. Then again, you don't want to feel like you've just sat down and started bragging your ass off about being happy. In any case, I realized that I really can't leave that last post as my last entry because things are so very different now. I still haven't gotten a job, and I still can't sleep very well, but I do definitely now feel that I have the capability to work again, and I'm definitely pleased with the current state of my sex life. Basically, I feel mostly sane again - for the first time in like 6 months at least. And I'm dying to work again. I have got to get the fuck out of the house (for something other than partying.) Philip and I are going to Opry Mills tomorrow to apply for shitty retail jobs. I'm very excited about this. I want to work at Charlotte Russe. Or maybe Off Broadway. In the mean time, Julie is writing my cover letter for Vandy for me, and then I'll be able to apply to at least 20 separate research openings with a simple mouse click. In other news, Philip has gotten me hooked on Dr. Who. Anyone who doesn't know anything about it might want to give it a look. The new seasons, anyway - last season and this season. It's really blowing me away. It airs on BBC1 every Saturday (not in the US) but Philip downloads them and has all the episodes if you're the marathon-TV DVD type (like me.) Also, Dance Dance Revolution Extreme is now in full-effect at 1111 Cinderella St. Call me any time you want to dance your ass off. I have to go put another coat of paint on my bathroom that I've been painting for the last two weeks. Lovins and Kisses, y'all. Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 9th, 2006
10:33 am	I want... i want... Well, to sleep frankly. I haven't slept since I woke up Friday afternoon at around 5:00. It's now approaching 10:00 Sunday morning and I'm wide awake. I'm so fucking exhausted. And while I'm at it, I'd like not to be sleeping alone. My bed feels cold (because I had the heat turned off while I was gone all day) and lonely (because I'm the only one here.) But honestly I'm so, SO thankful not to have anybody snoring in here with me. Since when did EVERYBODY on the face of the fucking planet start snoring? Maybe they're all just allergic to me. And hell, since I'm just going all out here, I'd very much like a job. Or, perhaps more correctly, to be physically and emotionally capable of finding - much less holding - a job. Can I really blame it all on Philly? Maybe I was always this relentlessly incapable, but I was waiting to let it tear loose at some mysterious, pre-planned time. And (maybe) finally: a really fucking awesome sex life. Not just a mediocre, or decent, or even good one - I want it to really fucking ROCK. Current Mood: tired (2 Comments |Comment on this)
6:59 am	I've got lots to think about. So I've come to a sort of hypothesis about certain bizarre ways in which my brain has lately begun to function. It appears to me that once I reach a certain level of emotional distress (ie, really having a crying, nervous breakdown freakout) the chemicals that are coursing through my brain at that point make me literally delusional. This makes me basically not a whole lot healthier (or safer) than someone who is full-on schizophrenic since it means I will do completely irrational (and barely conceivable) things during such a state. I do not really feel safe living alone right now. Unfortunately, there are also others who don't really feel safe about the idea, either. It's a shitty way to treat your friends, for sure, and if concern for my own safety isn't enough, I at least get to feel really horrible for making those who love me work over time. Today I went with Tony to Atlanta to look at a truck he's buying. We went by to visit a friend of mine from high school that I had found on MySpace. We had a mutual friend - I was actually institutionalized with him on the same ward at the same time at "Valley Institute of Psychiatry" when I was 14. My friend then dated him for quite some time later on. Turns out he became more and more bizarrely paranoid and manipulative and fucked up and strange... to make a long story short, last year (or maybe two years ago) he shot himself in his truck (not a diesel) behind a popular truck stop in my home town. They didn't find him for 10 days. He had duct-taped comforters up all over the inside of the truck to cover all the windows. I shudder to think how long he sat in there all duct-taped away from the world, thinking, obsessing, polishing his gun.... Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Zoot Woman (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 9th, 2006
2:22 pm	Where oh where have I been. Busy, busy, busy. You all know, so I won't go into it. Moving and shit. But I just had to post right now because I am watching a copy of Rize that JMc gave me, and I am fucking blown away. I'm 20 min. into it, and I already know I'm gonna start it right over again as soon as it ends. Doin' good here. Good good good. Current Mood: enthralled (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
2:00 am	I like number 4 best. Ten Top Trivia Tips about Hoodookitty! Hoodookitty cannot be detected by infrared cameras. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are hoodookitty. Four-fifths of the surface of hoodookitty is covered in water! Over 2000 people have now climbed hoodookitty, with roughly ten percent dying on the way down. Over 46,000 pieces of hoodookitty float on every square mile of ocean. If you lick hoodookitty ten times, you will consume one calorie. In a pinch, the skin from a shark can be used as hoodookitty. While performing her duties as queen, Cleopatra sometimes dressed up as hoodookitty. About 100 people choke to death on hoodookitty each year. Czar Paul I banished hoodookitty to Siberia for marching out of step! I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem Current Mood: bored (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 12th, 2006
4:16 pm	Day 4 back in Philly. I'm fine today. No more panic attacks, but I've pretty much been lying (or is it laying?) in bed for 3 days. Today I finally got up and went in to work. I got there at 1:00, talked to my boss for a little bit, showed off my new tattoo, went to my Dr at 1:45, and was heading home by 3:00 (we parked in a 2hr spot.) Tomorrow I *intend* to go in at a normal hour and work a normal day. We'll see how that goes. It turns out that 3 days in bed will make you feel very week and tired - as opposed to rested and vigorous (that one's for you, Rosie.) I'm in a good mood, though. I'm just not thinking about all the things I ought to be getting up off my ass and doing. I figure I just need to let myself get my momentum back up and maybe by this weekend I'll be running smoothly again. I'm gonna go lay down some more now. Current Mood: cheerful (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 9th, 2006
11:59 pm	Philly... again. I got home last night around 12:30. I was fine, just tired. I felt great, wonderful, happy the whole time I was in TN. John and I went to bed around 1:00. I laid in bed and couldn't sleep, but then suddenly became inconsolably lonely. It was very weird. Like, within about 60 seconds straight from perfectly normal to sobbing, incomprehensible grief. John tried to help, but there was nothing either of us could do. It's as if as soon as I got here some psychological switch got turned on. I did finally fall asleep, but then today I didn't get out of bed all day until John came home from work at 5:30 and cooked a frozen pizza. I sat on the couch and at for about 15 minutes, and then got back in bed. I haven't unpacked. Wherever my cell phone is, I'm sure it's dead since I didn't bother to plug it in. I'm not sad today, I just can't bear the feeling of not being under the covers. I'm uncomfortable, actually, just sitting up in bed right now to type this. Intense Nostomania followed by extreme Agoraphobia. Oh, and Julie - I'm pretty sure I wore your panties home yesterday. I don't recognize them. Current Mood: distressed (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 23rd, 2005
5:31 am	Man, am I tired. And I am very soon going to bed -- ----- but here's what's been going on... I got here Monday night, and have just been hanging out in Mandy's bed ever since. She's in Jamaica until the 26th. Raber and I tried to go look at my new place Tuesday night, but we got so very very (I mean, like, VERY) lost trying to get there, that we drove around in like, the factory district for a good 30-45 minutes. We could not figure out how to get across the river, even, until finally I watched Mike snap. I don't know how many of you guys have ever witnessed this, but it's something you never forget. It's simultaneously an incredibly subtle change in his demeaner, and yet profoundly clear that he has just entered a completely different state of mind. We actually had to call Jeff and ask if he would come get us. No shit. He came and picked me up at the Springwater (Mike bailed out) and I went and saw my wonderful new place and took all kinds of pictures and measurements, and now I've spent the last two days laying in Mandy's bed, playing on my laptop, drawing up floorplans, drinking a lot, and hanging out with whoever comes over. I am happy - people. Happy, happy, happy. Fucking swimming in happy. Every millisecond that goes by I feel more and more intensely that I have made exactly the right decision to come home - that how could I have ever wondered even for a second if it was the right thing to do? And that I am nearly moved to tears (I say this because, no, I'm not crying any more, but it almost feels like I ought to) by how amazingly, wonderfully, joyously home I am. Home, Dammnit. I am swimming in love. Current Mood: jubilant (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 18th, 2005
2:08 pm	I don't know why this comment from Steph came to my e-mail but didn't post to my entry. "Subject: I am only saying this because I genuinely care about you. Although livejournal does not seem like an appropriate forum... Accidentally taking a shitload of perscription pills is not an accident. It is not cute or funny. It's a drug problem. Get help. It might be too late for them to pump your stomach now, but you really should go to a hospital, just to make sure nothing else can happen. Why didn't/doesn't John take you to the hospital? I'm beginning to think everybody named John sucks. Please take care of yourself, Sarah, I am genuinely concerned." So what I wanted to say is that you are 100% right. I am very concerned. This is a very bad place I'm in up here, and I'm having a very hard time figuring out what to do about it. When I say I'm not suicidal, it's because honestly, I very much love myself and enjoy the hell out of being me. Even when I'm at my absolute lowest and depressed, I still feel like I'm one of the happiest people I know. I have no conscious desire to end my life or harm myself in any way. That doesn't, of course, excuse my atrociously dangerous and careless behavior. That's always been a problem of mine. I'm not good at thinking ahead. I have a strong tendency to put myself in harmful situations (like, really depressed, drunk off my ass, and with lots of pills laying around.) All I can say is I'm trying to get better about such things. I'm just kind of an idiot in that way. I'm very sorry for all the concern I cause the people I care about. And, of course, I do appreciate the concern and all the advice. I promise you that no one can ever say anything to me that I will take offense to or get defensive about. I know the people who love me have only good intentions, and I really do take all suggestions very seriously. I just wish I had more of a direct connection between what I think is rational and preferable and what I just sort of do without thinking about it. I'm very sorry for when I'm a fuck up. (for what it's worth) And all I can say is - it may not seem like it, but I swear I'm doing the best I can. Sometimes I'm an idiot. But sometimes I'm really smart, too, right? Anyway, I love you guys. I think things will be better when I get home. Current Mood: hopeful (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 17th, 2005
8:29 pm	Perhaps now would be a good time to clarify some things. I am not suicidal. I don't really even know how it happened. I woke up this morning, and the bottles were empty. I looked all over the place to see if I had maybe removed them from their bottles and stashed them somewhere else. I found one Ambien on the floor. The next thing I did was immediately go into the bathroom and try to throw up. Nothing happened, though. I think I was just really trashed and crying and sick of it all and wanted to go to sleep. In any case, I'm very lucky that I'm not sick. Just very very sleepy. I've been sleeping all day. John has woken me up periodically to feed me. I spoke to Christy earlier, and my hope is I'll get all my sleeping out tonight and then wake up tomorrow and book a flight. Sorry I keep doing stupid shit. I'm just a little too careless for my own good. I'm going back to sleep, now. Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
8:33 am	Well, who woulda thunk it. Turns out four beers, 25 Ambien, and about 30 or so Klonopin won't kill you. Won't even make you throw up. Nasty headache, though. Now John wants to "help". Fuck him. No way does he get to drag me up here, leave me completely alone for 2 years, and then get to make himself all warm and fuzzy by "helping." I fucking hate him. Hate hate hate hate him. And I'll be damned if I accept one single iota of assistance from him ever again. Current Mood: pissed off (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 16th, 2005
10:05 pm	I can't stand being alone tongiht. I have some "other" hook up sites I've looked into. It that's what it's come to, then fine. I can go there. I will not wallowin my misery all alone. (Comment on this)
9:20 pm	I just want to go to sleep. I had a little beer and then a big beer and (I think) 4 ambiens and 4 Klonopins, and I just wnat to go to sleep. God. what's it suposed to take? i JUST want otsleep.n Has anyone every been this miserable? I'm sorry to be so cliche. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
8:36 pm	I'm gonna drink all his goddamn precious beers. That's what I'll do. Next time you'll know better than to leave me here with all your fucking precious bullshit beer all alone, asshole! And maybe take a few more sedatives. So I can stop crying and shit. It makes my head hurt. Current Mood: infuriated (3 Comments |Comment on this)
8:05 pm	I am so screwed. I hate him for bringing me up here and then just leaving me to starve emotionally. I can't begin to imagine how I'm supposed to get myself out of here. I can't see a single way out. I'm completely alone. I can't even pack to go to Tennessee for three weeks, how am I supposed to pack up my house? How am I supposed to get all my shit down there? I can't drive a 17' truck towing a car behind it. I have never, ever in my life felt this alone. The doctor keeps asking if I'm suicidal, and I say no, but I keep wondering what would happen if I took 84 Klonopin and 26 Ambien? Then I wouldn't have to worry about anything, right? Have I just grown up always having people come to my rescue? Or am I just used to having a large support network around? I don't want to be anybody's burden. I want to take care of my own business, but I just can't imagine how. I hate him for bringing me up here and leaving me all alone. I don't think I've ever been this terrified. Current Mood: scared (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
5:29 pm	I have to go to the dentist tonight. And I'm sitting here wondering if I can just clean up a little bit and get away without taking a shower. To my horror, I've realized I absolutely cannot remember whether or not I took a shower yesterday. I think there's something very wrong with that. Current Mood: lazy (Comment on this)
Monday, December 12th, 2005
6:21 pm	I know I haven't been around much lately. I've developed an absolute OBSESSION with my charm bracelet. I've been packing, organizing my "moving binder," and watching charms on Ebay and that's pretty much it. All I wanted to say is, can anyone explain to me "Vintage Flip Cell Phone Silver 3D Charm"? I just keep staring at it, rereading it, and shaking my head. over and over. Current Mood: annoyed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
1:24 am	Again with the age thing. Last night I took Snufflins over to my neighbors' house so they could meet her. They really liked her a lot - as did their cats. Then the wife (I can't remember if it's Robin or April) said to the husband (Matt) "Man, if only Doug was a little younger, he would love this!" so I said, "How old is he?" and she said, "He's 22." So I got all faux-indignant and was like, "I'm 30!" Can't I play with a robotic dinosaur? At what age is that no longer allowed? Current Mood: giggly (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 2nd, 2005
5:49 pm	My Darling Snufflins Snufflins lowers her head for you to rub her tail. When you touch under her chin, she coos and rubs her face on your hand. Snufflins loves her new reindeer sweater. Isn't she stylish? Current Mood: pleased (5 Comments |Comment on this)